Chaos at the Battle Square
by Mantichorus
Summary: Mild swearing. A humour fic from Mantichorus! No, don't run! When Chaos is unleashed at the Battle Square, all hell breaks loose... R


_A/N: Greetings, my excellent readers. Good to see you all again... Unless this is the first fic of mine you've read, in which case, hi, pleased to meetcha._

_Now, this is an attempt of mine at a humorous fanfic... Now, all of you who have read my other humorous fanfic, don't run. Yes, I'm talking to you WildfireDreams (it's single reviewer...). This is based on a real experience of mine at the Battle Square of the Golden Saucer. So, sit back. Tell your sanity and common sense to have a tea- or coffee-break while you read..._

**_Chaos at the Battle Square._**

_or "Y'know, Inever thought I'd call Chaos cute."_

_Disclaimer: I do not own FF7. Not a bit of it. Not the characters, the locations, the items, not-a-thing. And the second title is in homage to the 'Carry On...' films._

It had started like any other excursion to the Golden Saucer. Cloud, Tifa and Cid each decided to form a 'party'. The fact that the world was due to have ended several weeks ago by now didn't bother them a bit, although really it should, I suppose. Cait Sith decided that he would just check up on several of his ex-co-workers at the Golden Saucer this time round, so the parties were formed as follows:

Cloud, Yuffie, Vincent.

Tifa, Nanaki.

Cid, Barret.

Cid and Barret went off to the Speed Square ("I'm sure we'll break the 5000 point limit and win the Flayer **_this_** time!" was often heard remarked), Tifa and Nanaki went to the Wonder Square ("My lack of opposable thumbs may prove to be something of a disadvantage..." Nanaki sighed), while Cloud, Yuffie and Vincent ventured towards the Battle Square.

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_One hour later..._

"I don't fing believe it!" Cid shrieked. "We've beaten Emerald, Ruby and Ultima, got more than enough Ribbons by morphing Master Tonberries, all reached level 99, but I still can't get over 5000 points on this bloody shoot-'em-up!!!"

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"I win again!!!" Tifa giggled, jumping up and down, much to the delight of many of the Golden Saucer's male patrons.

"Now, **_there's _**a surprise." Nanaki muttered under his breath, once again amazed by the simpleness of some of his colleagues.

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"Cloud... huff-huff I need... pant a break..." Yuffie gasped out.

"No surprise." Vincent observed. "You've been stealing from and morphing those monsters for almost an entire hour now..."

"Hey, Vincent." Cloud said, with the air of someone who has just had an idea and is desperate to get it out before they forget it. "Why don't you have a go? I can only remember you fighting here once, and that was ages ago."

"Hmm... Very well. Let's sort the materia out first..."

It didn't take long to get all the stuff that Vincent wanted to take into the arena, as he already had the equipment he preferred equipped. It was just a case of getting the correct materia in place. So all three of them meandered up to the registration desk, to the woman who was starting to get sick of the sight of them.

"It's 10GP to fight--"

"We know." Cloud said politely. "Uh, regular battle." For some reason he could not fathom, only Cloud could participate in the 'Special' battle.

"Who'll fight?"

"Me." Vincent said. The woman stared at him.

"Uh... Y-you know the handicaps a-and all that...?"

"Yes." Vincent replied.

"Uh... O-okay... Uh, g-good luck..."

"Hmm, I'll show you what real fighting is." Vincent smirked.

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Cloud and Yuffie were watching the fight on the screen. Vincent cast Regen and Haste on himself with W-Magic. Yuffie's forehead creased with worry suddenly.

"Uh, Cloud? How full was Vincent's limit bar?"

Cloud frowned, then his eyes opened widely. "Oh, sh--"

Vincent started shaking slightly on the screen. In a flash of power, Vincent was replaced by Chaos. The demon stared at the monsters in contempt.

"CHAOS SABRE!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Chaos' wings sliced through the monsters as if they weren't there. Which they weren't, after a couple of seconds.

"Whoa." Yuffie gasped quietly.

"Is that the best you've got?!" Chaos yelled, roaring with laughter.

Then the reels started turning. Accessory broken.

"What...? Ah, the hell with that. As if I needed some 'Ribbon' anyway." Chaos snarled. "You're too over-cautious, Valentine." A giant bird of prey appeared before him. Chaos smirked. "Chaos Sabre..." He sighed theatrically. The bird screamed and fell to the ground. The reels started turning again. Chaos was reduced to half speed. "Ah, fuck it..." The demon growled.

And so the fights went on. Chaos eventually got bored of his 'Chaos Sabre' and so switched to 'Satan Slam'. The reels gave results that Chaos dismissed as 'inconsequentual' - down 5 levels, down 10 levels, half-MP.

Then it came up as the 'Toad' result. Chaos would be transformed into a frog.

"Uh-oh, that can't be good." Cloud muttered.

A swirl of energy engulfed Chaos, and left in his place... Chaos. "HA! I can't be turned into a frog by your pitiful magics!" Chaos sneered contemptously. "SATAN SLAM!!!" The Stilva that had just appeared avoided the instant death effect, but couldn't avoid the spectural skulls that Chaos summoned. It fell. The reels turned.

Down 10 levels.

"Chaos Sabre."

Reels turn.

Mini.

"Uh... Will that affect him?" Yuffie asked.

"Dunno." Cloud admitted.

Another swirl of energy engulfed Chaos. The result? Mini-Chaos.

"Bugger." Chaos squeeked.

Then a Ghost Ship appeared and glanced down at the titchy demon. The monster smirked, supressing it's laughter. Chaos glared up at it.

"Fear me!!!" Chaos roared in an incredibly high-pitched voice.

The Ghost Ship burst out laughing.

"Y'know, I never thought I'd say this, but Chaos seems slightly... kawaii." Yuffie said, putting her head to one side in puzzlement.

"Wha'?" Cloud asked.

"Slightly cute...ish." Yuffie replied.

"Oh." Cloud said understandably. "Hmm... Yeah, he is a bit in mini form, isn't he?"

"Chaos Sabre!" The demon cried unleashing his attack. 1 damage. "Bloody hell." Chaos grumbled.

"St. Elmo's Fire!" The Ghost Ship reciprocated, but the shrunken demon dodged the attack.

"Satan Slam!" Chaos screamed, summoning several spectral skulls to attack the ship. It did rather more damage than Chaos' previous attack.

"Agh!" The monster growled. "Goannai!" It responded, and picked Chaos up with it's oar.

"No, you bloody don't!" Chaos snarled. "You're not throwing me out of the arena!"

It was.

It did.

"Ooh, you unspeakable rotter!" Chaos squealed angrily.

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The miniture demon bounced out of the arena, an aura of power surrounding him as he landed. A full-sized Vincent Valentine appeared in his place. Cloud and Yuffie walked up to him.

"...That could have gone better..." Vincent said wryly, dusting himself off as he stood up.

"Ya think?" Yuffie smirked.

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_In Vincent's subconscious..._

"Muh-wuh-uh-uh-huh-huh-huh..."

"Nyah-hah-hah-hah-hah..."

"I must say I agree with Death Gigas and Hellmasker, Chaos, old chap. You put up a poor show against that Ghost Ship fellow." Galian Beast chided.

"Sod you lot. CHAOS SABRE!!!"

The other three demons scattered away from Chaos' attack.

"You blighter!" Galian scolded.

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_A/N: Well, I'm glad to say that Chaos fared better the second time he fought through the Battle Square. And Cid's exasperation is my own. But I must admit to ...'borrowing' the small demon saying "Fear me!", with the response of someone calling him 'cute' from another source... Yup, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not mine, either. _

_Oh, well. I hope you enjoyed this fic. Please R&R._

_Be seeing you..._

_-Mantichorus._

Vincent: "I don't care what you are doing, so much as the idiotic way that you are doing it."

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!" -Puck, from Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream._


End file.
